Been through a lot

i’ve been through a lot. when i was 7/8 years old, my uncle tried to rape me. i was have no idea what’s going on. nobody taught me about sex education before. i was really young and i dont know what i have to do. i don’t know that if he tryna rape me at that moment, i just realize when i was turning 13 years old that my uncle tried to rape me.

when i was ten years old my father do a physical abuse to me. he punch and slap me if i wasn’t being a good kid. i was just ten. i can’t do anything at that moment. i only can defend myself. yes my mom was right there but she’s also scared with him. she just crying and tell him to stop.

when i was 12 years old, i got bullied from one girl that really popular in my school. she call me bitch for no reasons. i feel like i have no power. and she have a large of groups and filled by rich and popular girls. i’m crying and scared to going to school. i can’t even sleep at night because i always wondering what i have done to her and why she do that to me.

second year of middle school, i have no friends. i only talk with my chairmate. she’s really nice. but i can’t communicate with the others. but at that moment, my anxiety was really bad and intense. i can crying and scared for no reasons at class. i call my mom and tell her what happened. and yes, people still talk shit about me. they tell me that i am fat, and there is a moment when i really want to eat but im scared that i will get more fat. and i decided to go to psychology (this is my own choice because i know i need help) and doctor told me that i had depression and traumatic with my father since he abuse me and tell me to die, tell me that i am so useless and can’t do anything. also my mom, she really kind but sometimes she also told me that i’d rather die, compare me with the others kids.

at the end of middle school year i found out my dad cheated on my mom. i keep it to myself more than a year. yes they divorced at the end of the day, but they blame me and told me “this is what you want right”

and now, i struggle from being in toxic and verbally abuse relationship. i hope that i can through all of this. i tried to kill myself 3 times or even more. i didnt count. but now, i stopped a self-harm, and smoke and drink. i tried my best.