not comfortable

i’m not comfortable living in my own country.
Growing up with Chinese DNA, its f hard.
theres so much dark within.
i’m scared walking alone neither day and night (mostly night).
i’m not comfortable wearing pretty clothes that i like.

I will share SOME of my stories.
Strangers:
-I used at being cat called – but here i think all normalized that behavior. Its started when i was in kindergarten (TK).
-my friend and i have been exposed with small dick by adult (>40 y/o) riding his motorbike.
-a man (wearing helm) pinched my tight while my mba riding the bike and im the passenger.

someone i know:
-i was touched and forced to kiss him (someone i closed with) in the middle of the night while we’re all sleeping together with friends and family. imagine the terror and the shame?
-i was being manipulated by someone (HE and HIS FRIENDS R A FCK TEACHERS) bcs he just want to get into my pants.
-i used to have a friendly and wise (he’s wearing a mask) teacher, but he crossed the line. First move giving me sexual education, *to knw my v part*. Second, forced me to give my real number (i gave him the fake number but he knew), Third, terror me to give my v pict.

i feel like an object bcs my ethnicity.
“gila lu bisa dapetin cina” “gila emg bisa sama cina?”

imagine the guilt, regrets, safe blame, scared, traumatized i am until this day. i often used to delete my social media and change phone numbers once people begin to aware its me.

This post is also available in: Indonesian